


If I Could Find A Way to Think Straight

by Unix015



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bisexual Peter Parker, Bisexual Tony Stark, Child Abuse, Coming Out, Dark May Parker (Spider-Man), Depression, First Kiss, Gay Male Character, Homelessness, Homophobia, Hurt Peter, M/M, May is bad in this, Mental Health Issues, My First AO3 Post, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter gets a boyfriend, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scared Peter Parker, Slow Burn, Sorry Not Sorry, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-01-15 16:20:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18502591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unix015/pseuds/Unix015
Summary: Peter Parker gets a boyfriend at the begging of his sophomore year, and there is nothing Peter wants to do more then spend the rest of his life with him. The only problem, nobody knows about them, and Peter is scared about what would happen if he ever came out. How would the people he love react to him being bisexual, well I guess that's the million dollar question.





	1. The Boy From Last Year

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first fan fiction ever and I'm a little nervous about what this so hopefully it's not trash. This is an idea I've had floating around in my head for a while and I actually got the courage to start writing it, so here it is I guess :)
> 
> As a warning this story will deal with homophobia and a tiny bit of child-abuse in the future, but I will put warning before any of it actually happens. For now though everything is good

Peter has a secret 

A really big secret 

His secret you might ask, comes in the form of a 5”11, 16 year old boy with olive skin, brown curly hair, beautiful hazel colored eyes and bronze circle framed glasses. His name is Blake 

The two of them met in English in Peter’s freshman year high school. They knew each other's name but that was it. Throughout the entirety of freshmen year that was all they knew about each other, they might have said a quick “hello” to each other in the hallways every once in awhile but nothing really changed until the beginning of sophomore year 

On the first day Peter entered his 1st period he was very excited, everyone was always excited for the first week school, then after the first week your ready for break again. That’s just the way school went every single year. Despite this knowledge Peter was ready to start the year off to a good start, he was going to get all of his work done early and get all A’s. Again, that's what everybody says 

Peter looked at the board and noticed that there was a seating chart up, which he was surprisingly grateful for. He's always thought that the first day of the school year was the worst. Having to find a seat and hope that whoever you wind up sitting next to doesn't hate you. Then after that. teachers always decide to play the ice breaker game and make everybody stands up and tell everybody one fact about themselves. Peter would honestly be surprised if anybody was comfortable with that game 

Looking more closely at the board Peter notices that he has been placed in the furthest corner of the room. He wasn't particularly upset about that, but at the same time, being in the back made it harder to concentrate 

Adjusting the straps of his backpack a little Peter made his way to the back of the classroom. He had to bend and make a few apologizes to get there though. Surprisingly there wasn’t anybody else sitting in the seat next to him 

The horizontal tables are made to hold up to three people but he could've sworn that he saw a name next to his on the chart. Looking at his cracked phone screen he saw that it was currently 7:11 school starts in the next 4 minutes. Unless they enrolled into another school or got switched out of the class, Peter couldn't understand why someone be late to the first day of school 

Ok, well he understood that someone didn’t really choose to be late 

(Well maybe Mr. Stark did, Peter does think he mentioned something about being fashionably late once. To be honest Peter’s not really sure, both of them were knee-deep into projects and shouting random shit at each other) 

His table-mate might just be caught in traffic, or maybe they are just got lost on the way here. Now that Peter thinks about it, he’s not sure why he’s making such a big deal over some random student 

Shaking his head of his thoughts he looked down to his phone again. It was 7:17 and school had officially started. When had the bell ring? Surly it had to have gone off, or was he just that lost in his thoughts 

Sighing Peter put his phone into his jean pocket and looked out towards the class. By the looks of it everybody had found their seats. Some were talking to their friends and catching up with each other, and others were just looking down at their phone probably scrolling through Instagram or their friends Snapchat stories 

Given that it was the first day, the teacher was probably giving any stragglers time to find the class and get situated. Grabbing his phone out of his pocket Peter clicked on Snapchat and flipped over to look at other people stories. 

Mostly every single one of them was a selfie with the caption “First Day”, a lot of people showing off their outfits. Peter really didn’t know any of these people, he didn’t talk to them, he just managed to accumulate the amount of people he follows by simply going to high-school. Whether it be from a group project, or people at his table just randomly asking “What’s your snap” 

After looking at a few more ‘First Day’ snaps he looks down over his outfit. He was wearing a cream colored sweater that Mr. Stark gave him after he passed out in the lab that one time 

The memory makes Peter cringe to this day. He still can't believe he did that, but hey, he got a really really soft sweater out of it 

Looking back down at himself he looks down at himself he feels a little insecure. Peter knows that underneath all the clothes he has a great body (another blessing from the spider) however, his jeans are torn at the knees from where Flash pushed him over once last year. His shoes are 20 dollar New Balances May bought him for Christmas two years ago. They’re run-down and a piece of tape is holding together his heel on the right side. 

Peter has never been rich, he’s never been well-off even. Normally, it doesn’t bug him but, going to such as nice school with a lot of rich kids makes him feel a little insecure. It gives him anxiety to wonder what people might think about the clothes that Peter wears. He’s worried that people will think that this is just his normally fashion sense but no. this isn’t. He just can’t afford anything else. 

Suddenly, the door opens and Peter is kicked out of his little pity party. He looks up a boy stands there with a little white note is his hands. Peter can't help but notice that his fingernails are painted an array of different colors. Not that Peter thinks there's something wrong with that. It’s just he's never seen a boy do it at highschool, a brave move really 

Peter has yet to see his face due to the fact he’s been looking at the ground but a few stray curls have fallen out from the top of his beanie. Peter finds that it’s kind of cute. Wait...cute? What? 

Peter watches as the boy walks over to his teacher. He’s wearing a soft colored sweater like Peter. However he has a collared shirt underneath, and looking at his wrists he can see where the shirt comes out of the sweater sleeves. He’s wearing a dark pair of what looks like sweatpants but Peter can't tell. Finally, looking at his feet hes sees that this boy he's wearing white Vans that have been drawn all over. Oh and he’s really tall, Peter’s short, only 5”6, but this boy has to be at least 6”2. Peter thinks the look is good look on this boy cute, dare he say...hot? 

Whoa, OK Peter what the fuck. Why does he keep thinking like this? It’s just a dude with a good sense of fashion. 

The boy finishes talking to the teacher and that's when he starts to walk over to Peter. 

Peter can feel his heart race pick up, his eyes widen as the boy continues to walk towards him. 

The boy finally looks at Peter and oh god, he’s beautiful. He’s wearing bronze circular glasses that frame his face perfectly. His heart in perfect curls where they spill out of his beanie, and the freckles. There are freckles sprinkled like little dots of cinnamon over his nose. That’s also when Peter notices something. He knows this boy

It’s Blake from last year English. However, Jesus he's changed. He’s gotten taller and his face has filled out. He also gotten broader, and oh he’s just so….beautiful 

WHOA! HOLD UP PETER! Just WTF are you thinking about right now. Peter Parker is straight, no questions asked. None. These thoughts are just because you like the way he dresses 

Peter’s pretty sure he’s about to have an existential crisis before he feels a hand on his shoulder. He snaps his head to look at the warm weight, and he is instantly met with Blake's face just inches away from his. He's sitting in the chair next to his with an adorable confused grin on his face 

Ya, Peter’s fucked


	2. Confued Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is trying to understand his feelings for a boy, MJ is weird, Ned is oblivious, and Flash is a dick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm sorry this is late. School been kicking me in the ass lately then Endgame came and broke me. I still haven't recovered and it has been 3 days. 
> 
> Anyway here is this chapter, and I like I said before this is my first fan-fiction so I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm not that good of a writer, but I'll try my best. :)
> 
> I love you all

“Hey man you good?”

 

Peter is just staring at Blake. It’s almost as if his brain has malfunctioned. After a few awkward seconds Peter is able to get his mouth to start working again

 

“Ya, um...ya I’m g-great” Peter mentally cringed as he heard his voice get higher in pitch near the end of his sentence. Blake however, seemed to find it amusing and let out a small chuckle and his lips turned up into a grin. 

 

“Alright man just making sure, you seemed a bit lost there for a second” Blake said with amusement lacing his voice. 

 

Peter felt himself blush at the statement, god why couldn't Peter just act cool. Peter didn’t know what to do so he just gave a weak laugh and brought his eyes anywhere else then the boy sitting next to him

 

After a couple awkward moments the teacher started to talk. Peter had never been more grateful for a teacher to start class in his life

 

“Alright guys. Now it is the first day of school so i was thinking we could play a little game and get to know one another”

 

Ya, he takes back his statement now

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After an awkward 20 minutes of getting to know his first period, Peter is grateful that class is over. While zipping up his back, Blake taps his shoulder and gives Peter a little wave goodbye. 

 

Peter’s stomach does several files, why does he feel like this?

 

The next two classes went by relatively quickly, he had to play the dumbass ‘get to know you game’ two more times but he also noticed (rather sadly) that Blake wasn't in his second or third period. However, he did have MJ in his second and Ned in his third so it wasn’t too bad

 

He still didn’t really know what to call his relationship with MJ, she ate lunch with him and Ned, sometimes she came over to watch movie marathons with them, but she never really talked to them if that makes sense 

 

However, if there was one thing MJ was good at doing, it was observing. So it really wasn’t a surprise that 5 minutes after Peter entered his second hour that she pointed out that he was acting “Weird” not knowing what to say he just sat there and started at MJ while his cheeks rapidly became tinted with a pink hue. 

 

MJ just kept staring at him obviously waiting for an answer

 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell MJ his dilemma...ok ya he didn't want to tell MJ about it when he didn’t even know what it was himself. So out of panic he did what he was known for….he rambled

 

“I-I’m not acting weird. If anything you're acting weird. I’m just sitting here, you're the one that is observing my behavior, that not nice you know. Wait...no, your a nice person...it-it’s just you keep asking about me, and I- uh” Peter cut himself off to avoid any more humiliation

 

MJ was still just staring at him

 

“Ya, ok loser.” She turned around and began to read her book which always seemed to be on her. After starting at the side of MJ’s face for a couple seconds too long, Peter let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and turned away

 

Thankfully, Ned didn’t notice anything was different about Peter when they saw each other in class. Peter loves Ned he really does, but good lord is his best friend oblivious to pretty much anything and everything around him. But it’s ok, it’s just was makes Ned, well, Ned

 

SInce lunch was after 3rd period, Peter and Ned walked to lunch together. They made their way to the table they sat at last year. The two of them put their bags on the floor and Peter took a seat

 

“Hey man, I think I’m gonna get a pizza, want anything?” Ned asked as he plugged his earbuds into his phone

Peter just shook his head and watched as his friend disappeared into the ever growing crowd. He knew he should be eating, it’s just the caftertria food costs way to much. $4.50 for pizza that tastes like cardboard is a total rip off in Peter’s opinion. His enhanced metabolism will just have to wait

 

Just as he turned around he saw MJ come into the cafeteria, making purposeful strides over to their table. She sat herself down and then began to open her book before Peter could say anything to her

 

This was always the most uncomfortable part of lunch. The parts where he had to wait for Ned to get back and 90% of the time MJ was reading, meaning he was alone and had to just sit there and wait

 

Peter was just about to pull out his phone when he neck started to tingle alerting him to something. He looked up around the cafeteria and when he noticed nothing he turned his head around only to be see Blake standing nearly 2 feet from his place

 

“Aw I was gonna try and sneak up on you,” Blake said with amusement lacing his voice, Peter however, was just staring, eyes wide and mouth slightly parted open trying to find words...jesus Peter just talk. Blake seemed to get that Peter wasn’t going to talk anytime soon and decided to continue the conversation, “um so how did you know I was coming behind you. Not gonna lie I’m pretty good at sneaking up on people.”

 

Peter racked his brain on what to say, he obviously couldn’t just say Well you see, nobody is ever able to sneak up on me because I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and now I have weird sixth sense. So he went with the most logical excuse

 

“Uh I don't know. I just, well I just thought I heard someone behind me.” he tried to be confident but his voice came out weak and shaky

 

Blake looked at him for a couple seconds before he seemed to drop the subject. “Uh ok,” Blake then looked to his feet before taking a deep breath then looked to Peter, with a small voice he spoke “uh I-I just wanted to ask if I could sit here, maybe. Like you don’t have to say yes, I just wanted to ask ya know.” he let out a little laugh at the end, before he looked back down to his feet in a way Peter couldn't help but find cute

 

Once Peter’s brain had actually registered what Blake said, his heart dropped. Oh god, he wants to sit here. Like right here. Right next to me! Oh my god, oh my god, this isn’t happening, I mean yes but like no, what if I embarrass myself, holy shit what am I- 

 

His internal panic was cut short when he heard Ned come up next to Peter and set his food down. Ned, being the ever friendly person he is looked at Blake said hello. Ned then looked to Peter with an expression that practically screamed Who is this? 

 

Peter suked in a bunch of air then finally got the courage to talk “u-uh NED,” Peter cursed himself as his voice came out louder than he intended it to, “t-this is Blake, he's in my first hour,” Peter looked over to Blake and in return Blake gave Ned an awkward wave “um anyway, he j- um, he just asked to sit here, that's good right?” Please say yes, please say yes, Please say y-

 

“Ya man it’s cool, what’s up Blake” Ned responde easily. Blake let out a sigh and visibly relaxed and started up a conversation with Ned. He made his way to the other side of the table so he was facing both Peter and Ned

 

Peter himself was practically vibrating, omg he’s here, just act cool, just be normal, you got this Peter. When Ned brought up something about a teacher him and Blake shared he decided to join in on the conversation

 

15 minutes later the bell rang and Peter was surprised to feel heavily disappointed at having to leave Blake and go to stupid PE. He grabbed his bag and on his way up he noticed that MJ was staring at him with calculating eyes. He shrunk under her gaze and let his eyes fall to the floor, where they would remain until he got out of the cafeteria and down the hall

He couldn't help but think about Blake. What’s wrong with you Peter, why are you thinking like this. Like he’s cute, and funny, and he gives your stomach butterflies but like that's all normal. What the FUCK Peter that can't be normal, I’m not gay, like I like girls. Girls, I like girls. But Blake is just so, I don't know...pretty with his glasses and his perfect, beautiful face? God Peter that’s pretty gay, and you are not gay. Like there’s nothing wrong with being gay, he just isn’t. Oh my god what are these feelings! 

 

Peter was starting to get frustrated by the time he reached the locker room. Since it was the first day, he didn't have to change out, he just had to sit and wait for the coach. He was about to start fighting with his brain again, but before he could he was pushed against the lockers, hard

 

“Oh shit, Penis what’s up. Didn’t know I had you I had you in this class,” Flash said in his casual snark. Peter just looked at Flash then started to try and walk away but Flash seemed to have other ideas “Well hey now, where are you going! We just met up with each other. Tell me how was your summer, did you and Tony Stark meet up everyday,” he said, his face then morphed into that of fake shock before he said “Wait, we know Tony Stark wouldn't hang out with someone as pathetic as you. Maybe you and Spidey kicked it all summer...wait again no. You see neither of them would hang out with you because you've have never, never met them.” 

 

The other boys in the locker room where now starting at the two of them. Flash apparently disappointed in the lack of support he was getting from the crowd, just chose to push Peter, again, into the locker. Peter’s senses went haywire, then not a second later he felt something solid hit his gut and he fell to the ground out of shock

 

Flash, pleased with seeing Peter on the ground walked away. Peter on the other hand was hunched over on the ground, hands wrapped around his midsection

 

“Hey Pete, you don’t mind me calling you that right? Uh- nevermind just, uh, here.” 

 

For what seemed like the hundredth time that day Peter’s mind filed with panic, he knew that voice. Oh god please no. He looked up to see Blake sitting there, face morphed into that of concern, his arm was stretched out, offering Peter help off the ground

 

Peter grabbed his hand, grunting a little has his middle moved, ya that's gonna bruise,he let Blake help him up. His face was hot, with either humiliation or shame, he didn’t know. He couldn’t look at the other boy, God he probably thinks I’m weak, a coward, he doesn’t want to be friends with me now 

 

“Well that dude’s a douche” 

 

Peter looked at Blake is shock, he doesn't hate him? He doesn't think he’s a coward for not standing up

 

“A-are you ok, I-I saw what happened I know how that feels,” Blake said before he seemed to regret his words “I mean, I think I know how that feels, like a punch to the gut, ya no thank you” Blake tried to laugh it off but his voice was strained

 

Questions started to fill Peters head but he decided that it was better to ask about it a different time. “Ya-um ya I-Im good, I j-just um,” Peter looked to the ground in shame 

 

Blake seeming to notice his discomfort brought his finger to Peters chin and lifted his head up so he was looking straight into the boys eyes.”Hey what’s wrong, are you ok?”

 

Peters eyes were wide, and he felt like he was on fire about to melt into the floor. Blake still had his fingers underneath Peters chin. Unable to speak he simply nodded his head. Blake dropped his fingers and Peter couldn't help but long his for his touch again

 

“Good, let’s um, good.” Blake said, seemingly realizing the position he put the two boys in. The two of them sat down on the floor and focused on the coach as he started to explain what was going to happen for the year

Peter however, could not focus his mind was reeling. He kept thinking about the way Blake looked into his eyes and the way he made sure he was ok. After 20 minutes of thinking Peter came to the conclusion that ya, he thinks he has a crush, and ya he doesn’t know what it means, and ya he’s terrified

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully that wasn't bad...
> 
> I'll try to stay on time this week, I will. I have a general idea on where to go with this story I just don't know how to get there, the first couple of chapters might be a bit boring until I can set up the plot better. Anyways I love you all and post again in a week <3


	3. May?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter doesn't recognize May...not like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for the absence. I've been unmotivated recently but I managed to write this last night and I really just wanted to get this out. I'm really sorry it's so short, I'm gunna try really hard to get the next chapter out really soon

The day went by pretty fast after the “locker room’ incident. Peter didn’t have Ned, MJ, or Blake in his last 2 periods so he didn’t go through more stress then he was already undergoing

 

Today was Monday, which meant all Peter had to do was make it through tomorrow and then it’s lab day with Mr. Stark. He went to the tower every Tuesday, and then every other week he would go to the compound on Friday and stay the weekend

 

If you asked Peter how this arrangement came to be, he honestly couldn't tell you. After the whole Vulture incident the two of them got a lot closer and then all of a sudden Peter was sleeping over at the compound with a room to call his own. It was practically a second home to Peter and he wouldn’t trade it for the world

 

As Peter stepped out of the bus and towards his apartment his thoughts wander to the boy that's been plaguing his thoughts all day. He found the corner of his lips turning upwards just at the thought of him. However, as he was entering his apartment and turning for the stairs he couldn't help but wonder what May would think...oh god what would Mr. Stark think?

 

Would they approve of Spiderman liking another man? What if they didn’t and decided that they don’t want him anymore? What if Mr. Stark hates him and takes away the suit, and never talks to him again?

 

By the time Peter was up the stairs, a thousand different scenarios had run through his head of what could go wrong. He doesn't even know what this is, what these feelings are, and what is he supposed to do? Who is he supposed to talk to. Will May still love him? 

 

The more Peter thought about it, the more anxiety he felt build up in his chest. Once he reached his door he paused for a second and took a few deep breaths before going inside

 

He didn’t bother to call out for May, she was working several shifts today and even if she was by some miracle at home she definitely wouldn't want Peter coming in screaming

 

Peter walked over to his room, placed his bag onto the floor and grabbed his suit from the closet. If there was one thing Peter was sure of, is that patrolling is a constant, it couldn't never get taken away and if it does...well he’s not sure what he would do with himself

 

\---------------------------------------------------------

 

Peter got back to his apartment at exactly 1:17 in the morning. He made made a not so graceful descent into the mattress after he had all but thrown his suit across the room. His stomach ached with hunger 

 

When was the last time I ate, I really only had breakfast huh. Jesus I need to take better care of myself 

 

After a few attempts Peter managed to stand up and make his way to the kitchen. He was about to turn into the kitchen when he heard a glass cup hit a counter top rather forcefully

 

Cautiously he peaked his head around the corner and felt his heart drop when he was met with May sitting at the counter, makeup smudged around her eyes and tears running down her face. A shot glass in one hand and a bottle of tequila in the other. Peter felt like his feet were glued to the floor as he watched his aunt poor another shot with shaky hands and down it seconds later

 

Peter didn’t know what to do, he’d never seen May like this. She was just sitting there staring at the floor and drinking. It unsettled him, it made him scared. After what seemed like hours Peter very quietly made his way down the hall and to his bedroom and shut his door. He went got into the bed but he couldn't fall asleep. He has since gotten used to not being able to sleep since last year however, tonight they aren't due to concrete and water. No tonight his thoughts are focused solely on the drunk woman currently residing in his kitchen

 

He sits and listens for hours, and well, if at 3 o'clock he hears glass shatter, he won’t mention it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, this story is starting to get somewhere

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that wasn't trash 
> 
> I'll try to update every week, maybe more, maybe less. Depends on my school schedule


End file.
